episode pertama

Perjalananku.

“Alam ini adalah restoran yang akan menyajikan apa yang engkau pesan” (The secret).

Maka temans, pesan lah sesuatu yang engkau sukai. Alam semesta ini menyerap energi yang kita pancarrkan dan suatu saat akan mengembalikan energi itu ke kita. Karna energi tidak pernah hilang, dia hanya berubah bentuk. Aku percaya sekali dengan itu. Maka bayangkanlah hal yang indah-indah yang akan terjadi padamu. Mungkin suatu saat hal itu akan benar terjadi. Kita tidak pernah tau kapan, pasti akan terjadi.

Dalam kasusku teman.. aku tidak akan pernah menyangka akan melihat salju yang dikatakan orang memang beraneka ragam bentuknya, Ada yang kecil dan ada yang besar. Ada lempengan salju ( maaf kalau aku menyebut salju dengan bentuk lempengen yang di protes teman-teman lewat FaceBOok dan membenarkannya dengan kata butiran. Aku tidak bisa lagi menyebut salju dengan kata butiran, karena aku tidak melihat salju berupa butiran, tapi salju yang aku lihat dengan mata kepalaku sendiri ditanganku yang terbungkus sarung tangan hitam adalah berupa lempengan-lempengan yang cantik. Teman boleh mencek KUBI untuk menyebutkan benda yang aku lampirkan gambarnya dibawah. Aku bersikeras untuk menyebutnya lempengan. Maaf..) Jadi teman, lempengan salju yang aku lihat itu, benar-benar indah dan cantik. Mereka berupa lempengen-lempengan tipis kristal yang beraneka bentuk. Ada yang besar dengan pola segilima dan segi enam dengan julur-julur diantaranya dengan variasi yang unik, ada juga yang kecil dengan design s

ederhana dan tombak-tombak yang mengitari sebuah lingakaren kecil. Mungin teman bisa menggambarkan dengan lebih detail lagi.

Aku benar-benar seperti anak kecil yang segera berlari keluar di pagi Sabtu, dari kamarku dilantai delapan ketika hampir semua penghuni University Plaza masih tidur, setelah pesta Jumat malam sebelumnya. Aku segera mengenakan jaketku, sarung tangan, begitu aku terbangun dan dengan setengah gontai menyibak tirai jendela kacaku yang lebar dan melihat bahwa diluar sana salju turun perlahan-lahan dan menutupi mobil, jalan, dahan pohon persis seperti donat yang dibedakan gula.

Aku dengan langkah terburu-buru memencet tombol lift dan menunggu lift terbuka dengan harapan semoga saljunya belum berhenti. Sebenarnya konyol juga, karena itu adalah mungkin adalah hari pertama salju yang kata teman-teman yang lain selama tiga bulan kedepan, kamu mungkin akan bosan karena tipa harinya kamu hanya melihat salju. Aku tidak terlalu pikirkan masukamn dari salah satu temanku itu, waktu itu aku hanya takut saljunya akan berhenti turun dan aku tidak bisa melihat salju dnegan mata kepalaku sendiri. Perjalanan lift dari lantai delapan emang selalu terasa lama, tapi pagi itu aku merasa bahnwa lift nya bergerak lebih lama. Diantara sabar dan ngeri dinginya diluar, pintu lift otomatis terbuka dan aku bisa melihat dari kaca lobi bahwa semuanya sudah hampir memutih. Aku tentu saja tidak lupa membawa kameraku, teman. Dan akhirnya aku diluar, dan merasa bahawa ternyata hawanya tidak sedingin hari-hari biasanya ketika salju masih enggan turun. Pelajaran pertama adalah bahwa dinginnya angin ternyata lebih kejam dari dinginya salju. Apakah emang begitu, teman boleh bilang tidak ( bagi yang sudah merasakan, bagi yang belum pesanlah sekarang supaya teman bisa melihat salju)

Dan terbayar tunai. It is beautiful, kalau orang sini bilang. Kalau teman melihat tingkah konyol anak kecil yang main air di kali atau pinngir pantai, kurnang lebih itulah yang ku lakukan. Menendang-nendang salju, menginjak salju yang datar, menggoyang-goyangkan daun di pohon pinus,semuanya..dan mengadah kelangit dan menyipit melihat salju... aku ingat teman, kalau aku pernah pesan itu, “ooo salju itu seperti apa ya??? aku mau main salju, itu aku pesan waktu aku SD barangkali, karena aku kebanyakan nonton film-film yang ada saljunya. So, tunggu apa?? pesan sekarang

numb

I should have asked God why He created men that way. He created them with magic power on their lips and words. He made me totally under his spell that I did what he asked me to do. I was his puppet.

It was a nice afternoon. The sun shone brightly. The golden rays were all over the train station. People were busy to take care and load their language to the fancy train; I cost myself for this trip that he asked me to come. I did it without any questions and argument. The people were in hurry. While me, standing almost like bagging, staring this man waiting for his words. I stared at him. I wanted him to say something about this relationship. He kept talking and talking, while his smoke went all over me. The smoke just like magic fog. I was under his spell. I lose my sanity and rational thinking. He talked about things that I didn't even care about. You know, many girls I have dumped. I slept with some of them. And the last girl, she's so damn beautiful and rich. I wanted her. I asked her to marry me, but she said no. I asked her to sleep with me but, she refused it. Well, then I left her. I can get all over them all, and bla bla, many words and crazy sentences he threw me that goldish afternoon. He offended me and I didn’t say or do anything. I didn't fully follow what he was saying. All I know that I want him to love me. I was totally under his spell. I was such a fool. He fooled me around, and all I could do was to convince myself he was the one.

The bell rang to warn the passengers to get ready. But I stood still. The smoke from his cigarette tied me legs. I did not want to leave with no answers of my questions. I was waiting. But none of the words answer my doubt. I needed him to know what inside my mind was. I wanted him to say should I leave him or wait for him and be loyal to him. I screamed, but just in my heart and mind. I am your love; please stop talking about other women right before me! I could not stand for what he grumbled.

The bell made me got in the train. He took me there. I hold his hands, begging for the last time. But, he just did not get it. I had to let him go…

As the train moved slowly, slowly, I could hear his sentences again.

You were faking it up, he said. You were pretending. He murmured again. What? What do you mean? I whispered finally. It’s all that I got. It‘s you who pretending. It’s you who faking things up. I said in my mind. I knew he knew. All the words twisting in my mind. The smoke covered me and my mouth just could not say a word. He knew exactly he was the liar. LIAR! I screamed, again in my mind.

I was numb, by then.

silver strand

Under the silver strand of the full moon light the girl kept running. She had one place to go to. She didn’t really care her overturned long black wavy hair. Her problem was even worse now. Nobody saw her in this foggy silver night, though. With her slender figure, she easily could slip within the golden corn stem. She let her long skirt whisked the wet grass for the late afternoon shower. She didn’t care. She kept running with her barefoot long legs. From the distance, she can see the glittered place she’ heading to. “That’s the light of my life” she muttered. She had heard from the folks about this sanctuary. This is the place where she could hide herself away from the marriage she never wants to. The shining place is a neighborhood had left away for a long time for the epidemic spread out there. The light emerged was a torch from the post station at the gate of the village.Soon she stepped there, an old gaunt man stopped her way. With a suspicious look, he stared at her, “Are you lost, young lady?” She hardly could answer the question. “I am heading to the way home, my sanctuary” this lost suffer young soul whispered in the middle of the fog. Her shaking, grasping frame provoked the rarely meet human old man came toward her. He didn’t really care whether the person he’s talking to a human, or the other kind of creature. The death and the silent of this cursed place had brought him to the ignorance of zombie or human. As he came closer, the young lady stepped backward. He couldn’t see clearly the face of the figure before his eyes. However, he can hear the grasp and the heart pound that he missed a lot. “Do you need my help to get you back home? I believe this is not a good place for you to stay overnight” he kept talking while approaching that weak figure. “No, I hove no place called home.” “Home is a place where you feel secure, but I am not secure. Is there any place that I can go, where I can lay down in peace?” as if she was talking to herself with her soft and weak voice. “I don’t see any place, but this,” she mourned. She starts telling how her family hated her and the way her father sold her to a bustard. That she couldn’t stand anymore. Eventually she thought about just being far away from the live itself, and running with the last energy she had to save herself and gave herself to the death.The old lonely man could not say anything but welcoming her to the glittered of small torched place, called The Death City.

HATE THINKING

Everything goes wrong. I screw things up. And now I cry for myself for being such a fool. I think I need to go to an anger management class where I can learn to keep my fist and voice from not yelling and punching somebody. I need to learn how to be patient and not to lose control in any condition that I don’t like. Just like last night, “Fuck you, what the hell are you doing here? You think you are that very important person? That I have to be around every time you need someone to talk with? Screw you! Now get out of sight!” I throw those words to this poor fellow. He is just the wrong person in the wrong time with the wrong person, ME. I yell at him, well, it’s his fault that he had been not contacting me for so long time, and then suddenly he showed up, and greet me as if nothing happened, as if it’s okay to leave and to be indifferent to me for a such such a long time! I cannot accept that! He cannot do it to me. I bet I am not in his friend list anymore. That’s okay to lose this jackass person. I have nothing to lose of losing hem. JERK! It means nothing compare to another fight backward.

With this beloved man. I love him, but I could not show it the way a girl show could. Instead of saying him sweet thing of how much I love him and missed him and want him to be there, always be there for me, stood by me, I bug him. “So where have you been honey,” with cool and flat voice, I greet him. “You know, when you are not around, I never really wait for you. I went out with some one else!” I keep talking emotionlessly. I don’t care for what he is feeling about. I go nut. “Just leave me now!” while it is not the thing I want him to do. Then he leaves me, alone. I scream “don’t you ever leave me!” but he left me already in this crowded cold messy dusty fucking room. It is me all alone there, got no one else, no body. I successfully dumped the last person who cares about me. I need to congratulate myself for this accomplishment. No body is here with me, but the TV. He is on with bald fucking well suit men debating about the lower or higher tax paying. I don’t even care with the fucking tax. It goes down or high, I got no business with them. Whatever, just go to hell. The TV keeps talking on and on. Like a clown he is standing there at the corner of the room with his four wooden brown feet. Even his face is not that good anymore, but his voice extremely fine that it’s so loud to blow my head off. I cannot stop him of making the noise. Not only the TV set, the refrigerator is also here with me, with his nauseating voice. Zzzzzzzzzhhhhzzzzz. It’s groaning. He never moves around, just stand there. Can’t he go out of my room and leave me alone? It’s enough. I think I could find away to get rid of him too. They are laughing at me. I don’t even care with them.

The bed, my best friend, he keeps me warm, but it’s not warm enough today. The stupid light distracts my eyes. I don’t have anything around to stop her shining like that. She makes me completely looked stupid over this fuck thing which reflects me. I don’t know the person I am staring at. With her hair like a lion mane, and eyes red for crying and lips trembled, she is not the reflection I used to see. JERK! SUCK! Behind the reflection I can see my table, with the books all over it, it’s not a friend I need now. The books are dancing telling me to do my homework. I hate homework. I hate to think. I want to stop thinking. I think I could be a monkey, and live in the jungle over the trees.

It must be easier to be a monkey. I don’t have to think, I don’t have to make money. All they need to do are eating, breeding, fucking and again and again. They don’t even complain about living in a place with no internet and credit card. They jump and swing all day long, in peace. I just want to be part of them now. I think I need to move to the jungle and do what ever I want to do. I can put off my clothes, let myself naked, scream and yell with the monkeys, and I bet, they will never leave me alone. They will not make me cry and go nut like this. I think I need a break.

He leaves me. He hates me. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to. It will be okay. I know it.

No, it’s not true. It’s not okay. I can feel like a sword slowly slices me, slowly and deeply. Still, I cannot feel the paint, because it’s too hurt. What I can do now? I don’t want to cry anymore. The wind blows, whispering. It is really cold in this room. Form the window, I can hear the wind whistling, like sound from the violin, he knows that I am down. I still have friend out there. Thanks God, you send me another friend. I don’t care whatever it is. I just need somebody here now, besides me, I don’t want to be alone. It’s too hurt.

What we can say about it and do about it? Nothing. What a pity girl, all of us sorry about this lovely nice virgin.

It was a bad luck for her by the day Landlord Beicht saw her. That afternoon, as usual this fat bold white grumbled man was going around the cultivation to look the sugar can being harvested. It is his habit to scare the children in our village with his gun. He shoot anything around him, the hen and the chicks along the sidewalk, the ducks on the stream, the boys' kite over the trees, even the children playing in field. No wonder, every time he is out, instantly, we are rush to ask our children home and tell them to stay in side. Lately, our women use his name to scare our boys if they are too naughty. “Landlord Beicht will catch and eat you alive if you're stay out side by the twig light. Since, all the devils go out by the time the sun goes down. You will be in his underground bars if you don't listen to me”, warned our wives to our children. The children and even the teenage believe it. With the beast look, the grin and the sneer which make him like a starving cannibal, the story easily spread out in our village. No body tries to deny it.

And now, this beast wants a beauty to be his. It was not her mother mistakes. She did keep her lovely daughter to stay in the house at the usual time Landlord Beicht does his routine activity. A duck, that he was trying to shoot, could easily escape of his terrible shooting. He shoots like a drunk. And he's proud so much about it. The duck escape him to the well where Ayu was doing her chores. As the god of our village, Landlord Beicht claims himself to do what ever he wants to do. A private area is nothing for him. There, he saw this lovely young girl.

Soon, we know that, her parents should give her daughter to him.

Some of us are very worried that the next victim will be our own daughter. We cannot let this happen. But we are too scare and weak to do something about this. As a colonized nation, there is nothing you can do against those evil.

lost

I am lost. I am in a big space, that I don’t know where it is. Those aliens are so busy, they move fast heading to the disturbing noise. They don’t see me. Those whistles and swoosh are howling around me. It’s a noise. The wind, the buses and the children are running. It becomes a melody. Or is it a monster that is ready to eat me alive? My heart is bumping. I am no where. I am in the middle of this chaos. The sound and the motions keep running and running, they pound inside me. They like an echo in my head. Keep going high and high, and higher. It reaches the peak. They are running out of energy. They need a break, a moment to gather more power, to chase me. Then, suddenly, the voice disappear, pause for a minute. Then, it slowly emerges, like the voice of a young lady, calling me... yea…yea…with the thunder howling. I got my goose spume. She’s not alone. Many men and women are behind her. They are not men and women. They are just some unshaped shadow. They are strong, I know it. They sneer at me. Their image I getting bigger, they grow bigger and bigger, they are chasing me, with the young lady smile, “don’t be afraid”, she convinces me. Stay here. I can’t. I have to run.. Don’t run after me. I am tired. I can’t move my body. I can’t breath. I need to keep my ayes open. I would not let they eat me. As long as I keep my eyes awake, they will only just stare at me. How can I leave them behind? The shadow keep following me. I am not alone. I am never being alone. The wind, the vibration from the telephone wire, the leaves which dancing with the wind, they are always with me. Stop. I need a time for myself. Only me.

how to say it.....??

MENGUPIL DIBAWAH POHON

Kalau ada pertandingan perempuan goblok sedunia tentang urusan laki-laki, aku yakin akulah yang bakal menang. It’s only me. Diariku sudah capek dan mual dengar cerita yang sama dariku. Cerita yang dimulai dengan cara yang sama, dan pastinya akan berakhir dengan cara yang sama. Dan yang paling parah, adalah durasi waktu yang kurang lebih hampir sama.

Minggu lalu, seperti orang-orang bilang, I was completely in love. Aku merasa menjadi perempuan paling bahagia sedunia karna telah menemukan orang yang aku cari-cari. Orang yang akan berbagi kebahagiaan dan kesedihan selama sisa hidupku. Orang yang bisa membuatku tertawa. Pendeknya aku merasa telah menemukan pohon rindang yang dibawahnya aku bisa berteduh dengan tenang, bisa beristirahat dan bersantai (bahkan sambil ngupil tanpa memperdulikan image, -mengutip redaksi si pelaku) . Sebelum ini, hari-hariku diupenuhi dengan keinginan bagaimana membahagiakan dia. Memikirkan apa yang akan kulakukan dengannya nanti, mengiriminya lagu-lagu cinta yang mewakili perasaanku. (Ya ampun aku malu sekali mengingat itu, aku merasa bego, dan yang paling parahnya aku malu dengan bahasaku sendiri menceritakan ini, karena kelihatanya aku benar-benar naïf, tapi mau bilang apa, memang itu yang aku rasakan. Aku telah merendahkan logika dan kecerdasan yang Tuhan berikan padaku. Aku tidak mengerti apa penjelasan ilmiah yang bisa mengubah karakterku dalam hal “cemen” begini. Yah, bisa dikatakan menoleh kebelakang, aku adalah orang yang benar-benar di manipulasi oleh sebuah kepentingan keisengan makhluk yang bernama laki-laki.

Aku heran bagaimana bisa terjebak dalam situasi begitu. Aku heran dimana semua pemahanku tentang sifat alamiah laki-laki yang aku dapatkan dari penelahaan buku. Buku-buku best seller yang menjelaskan cara kerja otak laki-laki dan bagaimana mereka memandang cinta, komitmen dan seks. Aku belajar banyak dari buku-buku itu. Tapi tetap saja aku membuat kesalahan. Seharusnya penulisnya membuat semacam sertifikat lulus yang diberikan pada pembaca yang melewati tes dengan menerapkan teori yang dipaparkan. Aku nggak terlalu yakin kalau aku bisa. Bisa dikatakan aku memang bego. Mana ada orang yang bisa jatuh di lobang yang sama dua kali. Aku sih nggak cuma jatuh dua kali, tapi terperosok berkali-kali. Parah! Penyakit akut sepertinya.

Sekarang bagaimana? Keadaanku sekarang hancur lagi. Well, kali ini prosesnya agak berbeda. Kalau yang kemaren-kemaren si pelaku menghilang atau tiba-tiba tidak berkeinginan untuk berkomunkasi denganku, dan aku bertanya-tanya sambil menyesali diri atas apa yang aku lakukan, maka sekarang prosesnya istimewa. Tiba-tiba, tengah malam, sms-nya datang dan mengatakan bahwa dia tidak akan menghubungi lagi, karena selama ini dia hanya main-main atau kasarnya, ISENG denganku. Deg! Aku terdiam. Berpikir sebentar. Dan tersenyum. Apa lagi yang bisa aku lakukan? Terlalu sakit untuk menangis. Aku telpon, tapi dicuekin. Aku sms dia dan memintanya mengatakan langsung, sambil berjanji bahwa aku tidak akan menangis. Aku bilang bahwa, aku adalah cewek dewasa yang tidak akan terbawa perasaan menghadapi masalah seperti ini. Well, dia nelpon. Dan aku memang tidak menangis. Malahan tertawa, dan meminta kritik dan saran darinya. SINTING! Itu adalah akting terbaik yang bisa aku mainkan malam itu. Kami berbicara sebentar, dan berakhir karna pulsanya habis. Tapi aku masih sempat memuji dia dalam pembicaraan kami dan dalam sms terakhirku padanya.

Berakhir sudah. Terlalu indah dan singkat. Tapi aku menikmatinya. Kalaupun aku sakit dikesudahannya, itu wajar menurutku. Sekarang masalahnya ada dikepalaku. Bagi dia ini sudah berakhir. Aku pun harus berpikir begitu. Disinilah permainan sebenarnya dimulai. Di tahap dimana aku menenangkan perasaanku, dan menghardiknya dengan suara-suara yang ada dikepalaku. Apa sih?? Ga penting banget mikirin masalah cemen kaya begini. Ayolah, enjoy your life! Emangnya kalau kamu nangis, dia bakal balik ke kamu? GA BAKAL! Come on, wake up, and grab other chances in your life.

Aku tidak akan menyesali apa yang aku lakukan dan lewati. Rasa sakit, dicintai, dipermainkan, semua itu tidak akan mengalahkan aku. Semua proses ini, yang indah ataupun yang buruk, aku yakini memperkaya batinku. Memperkaya pengalamanku.. dan memetik pelajaran? WAIT!! Memetik pelajaran?, sepertinya tidak! Tapi, untuk urusan ini, aku yakin aku tidak sendirian. Tidak cuma aku, perempuan yang tidak memetik pelajaran dari penderitaan yang diakibatkan CINTA. Sepertinya aku tidak pernah belajar, untuk tidak membuat keasalahan yang sama. Tapi aku tau, kesalahanku, terlalu tolol untuk mempercayai ucapan-ucapan gombal yang membahagiakan aku pada saat itu. Apa salah? Apa ada orang yang bisa menyangkal dan menolak rasa bahagia itu? Kalau ada aku ingin berguru padanya. Tapi aku pikir lagi? Untuk apa? Aku tidak harus menutup diriku dari kesempatan untuk bertemu pohon yang bisa menaungiku. Pohon yang tidak akan berlari, atau dipagari. Pohon yang bisa membuatku aman dan tentram. Aku tidak punya alasan untuk melakukan itu. Aku percaya, bahwa jika seandainya aku berhenti tersenyum, berhenti bermain, dan memasang pertaruhan dan mengambil resiko dalam perjudian ini, maka sebenarnya aku benar-benar telah dikalahkan TELAK oleh pohon yang berkaki itu. Aku tidak akan membiarkan sebatang pohon mengalahkan aku. Aku harus menang!