HATE THINKING

Everything goes wrong. I screw things up. And now I cry for myself for being such a fool. I think I need to go to an anger management class where I can learn to keep my fist and voice from not yelling and punching somebody. I need to learn how to be patient and not to lose control in any condition that I don’t like. Just like last night, “Fuck you, what the hell are you doing here? You think you are that very important person? That I have to be around every time you need someone to talk with? Screw you! Now get out of sight!” I throw those words to this poor fellow. He is just the wrong person in the wrong time with the wrong person, ME. I yell at him, well, it’s his fault that he had been not contacting me for so long time, and then suddenly he showed up, and greet me as if nothing happened, as if it’s okay to leave and to be indifferent to me for a such such a long time! I cannot accept that! He cannot do it to me. I bet I am not in his friend list anymore. That’s okay to lose this jackass person. I have nothing to lose of losing hem. JERK! It means nothing compare to another fight backward.

With this beloved man. I love him, but I could not show it the way a girl show could. Instead of saying him sweet thing of how much I love him and missed him and want him to be there, always be there for me, stood by me, I bug him. “So where have you been honey,” with cool and flat voice, I greet him. “You know, when you are not around, I never really wait for you. I went out with some one else!” I keep talking emotionlessly. I don’t care for what he is feeling about. I go nut. “Just leave me now!” while it is not the thing I want him to do. Then he leaves me, alone. I scream “don’t you ever leave me!” but he left me already in this crowded cold messy dusty fucking room. It is me all alone there, got no one else, no body. I successfully dumped the last person who cares about me. I need to congratulate myself for this accomplishment. No body is here with me, but the TV. He is on with bald fucking well suit men debating about the lower or higher tax paying. I don’t even care with the fucking tax. It goes down or high, I got no business with them. Whatever, just go to hell. The TV keeps talking on and on. Like a clown he is standing there at the corner of the room with his four wooden brown feet. Even his face is not that good anymore, but his voice extremely fine that it’s so loud to blow my head off. I cannot stop him of making the noise. Not only the TV set, the refrigerator is also here with me, with his nauseating voice. Zzzzzzzzzhhhhzzzzz. It’s groaning. He never moves around, just stand there. Can’t he go out of my room and leave me alone? It’s enough. I think I could find away to get rid of him too. They are laughing at me. I don’t even care with them.

The bed, my best friend, he keeps me warm, but it’s not warm enough today. The stupid light distracts my eyes. I don’t have anything around to stop her shining like that. She makes me completely looked stupid over this fuck thing which reflects me. I don’t know the person I am staring at. With her hair like a lion mane, and eyes red for crying and lips trembled, she is not the reflection I used to see. JERK! SUCK! Behind the reflection I can see my table, with the books all over it, it’s not a friend I need now. The books are dancing telling me to do my homework. I hate homework. I hate to think. I want to stop thinking. I think I could be a monkey, and live in the jungle over the trees.

It must be easier to be a monkey. I don’t have to think, I don’t have to make money. All they need to do are eating, breeding, fucking and again and again. They don’t even complain about living in a place with no internet and credit card. They jump and swing all day long, in peace. I just want to be part of them now. I think I need to move to the jungle and do what ever I want to do. I can put off my clothes, let myself naked, scream and yell with the monkeys, and I bet, they will never leave me alone. They will not make me cry and go nut like this. I think I need a break.

He leaves me. He hates me. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to. It will be okay. I know it.

No, it’s not true. It’s not okay. I can feel like a sword slowly slices me, slowly and deeply. Still, I cannot feel the paint, because it’s too hurt. What I can do now? I don’t want to cry anymore. The wind blows, whispering. It is really cold in this room. Form the window, I can hear the wind whistling, like sound from the violin, he knows that I am down. I still have friend out there. Thanks God, you send me another friend. I don’t care whatever it is. I just need somebody here now, besides me, I don’t want to be alone. It’s too hurt.